I thought Spain was the dream. I thought marriage was the prize.
On paper, everything looked perfect. We’d bought an apartment in historic Valencia and spent six months renovating it. My new husband and I were living the dream.
I should have been ecstatic, over the moon, blissful.
But I didn’t feel ecstatic. I felt like I was disappearing. I hated myself for not feeling happy. I had everything I thought I’d wanted.
So why did it feel like I couldn’t breathe?
The truth is, no amount of Spanish sunshine can save you if you’re disappearing inside the story you’re performing. And I was done pretending.
I stopped saying everything was ‘fine.’ I stopped avoiding the truth; that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship.
I started raising my standards. And it started with one word. A word that I’d been taught was horrible. A word that was the antithesis of what I believed every ‘good woman’ should be. But this word wouldn’t leave me alone. It haunted me.
Selfish.
And yet, I’d been Self-less my whole life and it broke me down. I’d abandoned myself for everyone else. I was an expert people pleaser and knew how to over-ride my own discomfort for everyone else. So why not try something else?
I decided to try an experiment. What would happen if, for an entire year, I chose myself? What if I only did what was right for me?
I started by buying a one-way ticket back to Canada, with a layover in Paris. I stood under the Eiffel Tower and whispered,
“I’m still alive. I’m still here.”
After Paris, I landed in Canada with a suitcase and a broken heart. I rented an empty apartment and bought a camping chair and table. Then I sat there with nothing but a journal and the truth I could no longer ignore.
What happened next was the plot twist we never saw coming: COVID-19, and the borders closing. I couldn’t go back to Spain (and my husband) even if I wanted to. The Universe had me right where she wanted me: facing myself, in a quiet room, alone.
I sat there and journaled. I walked in nature every day. Nature became my therapist, confidante, and best friend. The beach was a couple blocks away and I’d sit on rocks and cry, or laugh, or simply breathe with the waves. I learned how to listen again. How to connect. I found a way underneath all the noise and into the deep silence of my soul.
That year, I went deeper into healing than ever before. I reckoned with the parts of me that I’d never wanted to look at, unpacking decades of patterns, conditioning, trauma, loss, pain and fear.
Every day I chose myself. I learned what being selfish really means: being so full of Self that I am overflowing with abundance, love and gratitude. Then, when I give, it’s from so much joy, because I’m choosing to give. Being selfish meant devotion to my Inner Being, my truth, my emotions, my mindset, my body and spirit. This created a transformation unlike anything else I’d ever experienced.
And then, my external reality began to transform.
Everything changed. I moved to a new city, lost 55 pounds, re-launched my career. I started a podcast, wrote a book, and made new friends. Learning how to be selfish finally gave me everything I’d been looking for - ME. Instead of striving to look good on paper, I discovered that all I needed was to fall head over heels in love with myself.
The Selfish Year is the book I wrote to tell the truth. It’s the real story of how I saved myself. And it’s your story to, if you’ve ever looked at your life and wondered, “How did I get here? Is this all there is?” This book is for you, if you’ve ever dared to dream for more.
I also give you strategies that you can use, right now, to reclaim your wild and glorious Self. You’ll learn how to stop abandoning yourself, and start being selfish in the most magnificent ways, so that you can build a life you recognize yourself in.
CLICK HERE to order your copy. Because you deserve a life that belongs to you.
I love you xoxoxoxo
**when you preorder I have a gift for you to thank you for being so awesome. It’s called The Selfish Woman Starter Kit. You get:
The Selfish Woman Manifesto (keep it in your journal to remind you who the fuck you are)
The Seven Sacred Laws of the Selfish Woman
The Selfish Year Playlist - I made you a mixed tape!
Simply preorder from my website and then fill out the form at the bottom of the page and it’s all yours. xo